Scary first post, opening up

15841006_10153998820377062_1158250863_nToday is the first day of 2017, the day I realised that I need to try and help myself. The day after it got all too much for my little head to deal with!

This New Years Eve was different than all the others I can remember.
This year I didn’t want to spend New Years with anyone, in fact I don’t feel love for anyone anymore. I spent New Year’s Eve crying in bed, feeling like the loneliest person in the world and thinking that it would be a whole lot better if I wasn’t here at all.

But even if someone had invited me out, I wouldn’t have gone. I turned off my phone because I didn’t want people to wish me a Happy New Year (I already know it is going to be far from happy), I hated the sound of the celebratory fireworks and I just wanted to sleep (but oh wait, my head doesn’t let me do that). I wanted to be lonely.
But truly, deep down I was also yearning to be loved. Strange, huh?

The last couple of weeks have been difficult, well actually, the whole year has been a difficult time for me, but this time of year even worse, mainly because I normally love Christmas time. I went home to see my family, who I haven’t seen for a long time. I should have been excited, I should have been happy. But no matter how hard I tried, I felt sad, I felt lonely.  But nobody else knew this, I put on a happy smiley face, I pretended to enjoy myself, but really I just wanted to go and be on my own and cry.

I am twenty three years old, I am supposed to be enjoying my life, but I am not. Anxiety and depression seem to have overtaken my whole life. They have taken away my confidence and motivation.

But if I don’t understand what is going on in my head, how am I supposed to explain to other people how and why I am feeling a certain way. This has been something that has stopped me from opening up. But reading other people’s stories and knowing I am not the only person feeling this way really has gone a long way to help me.

Well as everybody says, 2017 is a new start and I know that something needs to change. I do not want to be stuck in this rut anymore. So today I decided to write my feelings down in a blog, maybe getting them out of my head will help me to cope and maybe people who read it will help me and maybe me even help them.  Here’s hoping.

Hannah x

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5 thoughts on “Scary first post, opening up

  1. Hi Hannah. Getting your feelings out and written down is a fantastic idea! Why not starts a ‘happy thought jar’ every time you have a positive thought (no matter how big or small) write it down on a piece of paper and pop it into the jar. Then why you’re having a hard time pull out the jar and have a read. It sounds so simple, but it can help. I hope that soon you start to feel a bit better. *hugs*
    – Hannah ❤
    (www.paintmeasmile.co.uk)

    Like

    1. Hi Hannah 🙂
      A happy thought jar sounds like such a wonderful idea, having something positive to look at during the bad times will hopefully help a lot!
      Thank you for your comment and I might even go and make one the jar now and put my first happy thought in.
      Your advice about no matter how big or small is great as I think people (including myself) tend to only see big steps as being positive! So now hopefully it won’t take me as long as I think it will to fill the jar up with happiness!
      Hannah x

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Starting my blog and reading others really helped me. You are not alone in your feelings. Take care of yourself and take each moment as it comes. Look for the little things that are good, sometimes it’s hard but they are there. The sun shining, someone smiling at you, pets, anything. Things will get better.

    Like

    1. Thank you for your comment, even after one post I can say I think it is going to help.
      I have always found it difficult to open up so having this platform and knowing you’re not alone is great.
      Reading comments and knowing people are taking the time to read and help is amazing! xxx

      Liked by 1 person

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