Today is the first day of 2017, the day I realised that I need to try and help myself. The day after it got all too much for my little head to deal with!
This New Years Eve was different than all the others I can remember.
This year I didn’t want to spend New Years with anyone, in fact I don’t feel love for anyone anymore. I spent New Year’s Eve crying in bed, feeling like the loneliest person in the world and thinking that it would be a whole lot better if I wasn’t here at all.
But even if someone had invited me out, I wouldn’t have gone. I turned off my phone because I didn’t want people to wish me a Happy New Year (I already know it is going to be far from happy), I hated the sound of the celebratory fireworks and I just wanted to sleep (but oh wait, my head doesn’t let me do that). I wanted to be lonely.
But truly, deep down I was also yearning to be loved. Strange, huh?
The last couple of weeks have been difficult, well actually, the whole year has been a difficult time for me, but this time of year even worse, mainly because I normally love Christmas time. I went home to see my family, who I haven’t seen for a long time. I should have been excited, I should have been happy. But no matter how hard I tried, I felt sad, I felt lonely. But nobody else knew this, I put on a happy smiley face, I pretended to enjoy myself, but really I just wanted to go and be on my own and cry.
I am twenty three years old, I am supposed to be enjoying my life, but I am not. Anxiety and depression seem to have overtaken my whole life. They have taken away my confidence and motivation.
But if I don’t understand what is going on in my head, how am I supposed to explain to other people how and why I am feeling a certain way. This has been something that has stopped me from opening up. But reading other people’s stories and knowing I am not the only person feeling this way really has gone a long way to help me.
Well as everybody says, 2017 is a new start and I know that something needs to change. I do not want to be stuck in this rut anymore. So today I decided to write my feelings down in a blog, maybe getting them out of my head will help me to cope and maybe people who read it will help me and maybe me even help them. Here’s hoping.