The last couple of days have been difficult. My anxiety seems to be controlling me more than I’d like it to!
My partner was staying and it is such a toxic environment when he is here.
We argue lots and my panic attacks are a more regular occurrence. Which isn’t the way it should be, I know! I have opened up a lot to him. I don’t expect him to understand what is going on in my head but I do expect him to listen and to not knock me down.
He just seems to make things worse for me.
But maybe it’s my head that’s causing all of this? He seems to think so.
I don’t know what to think or do, which obviously is another thing on top of the thousands already in my head to worry about.
I had also been invited to go out yesterday evening with a friend I haven’t seen in a while. I wanted to get out of the house, I NEEDED to get away from the nightmare at home. But ever since I’d made the plans, I was thinking of excuses to get out of them.
That’s all I seem to do lately.
I started to panic, about the train journey there, about what she would think of me after not seeing me for so long, about how disgusting I look and feel and how anyone would enjoy spending time with me.
Sometimes I can force myself to just go out and try to ignore my anxiety.
Maybe exposing myself to things that make me feel anxious will help but it all becomes too much sometimes. I suppose because I haven’t learnt YET how to deal with those feelings.
I cancelled my plans.
But instead of thinking of an excuse, I told her the truth.
I told my friend that I am suffering from severe depression and anxiety and that I am finding it difficult to go out. I apologised and told her I didn’t mean to let her down and that I really do want to meet and catch up, but when I am feeling better.
Now this was a big step for me, I am not one for opening up. I have told a couple of really close friends (who really help), my partner (who doesn’t help) but I haven’t told my family.
I wasn’t expecting much of a response, I never get favourable responses when I cancel plans last minute.
But this response was just what I needed, she understood, she had been through it before and she gave me the space I needed and gave me hope.
If only for a short moment.
This has made me think, should I open up and tell other people?