I haven’t written a post for a while, I’m not too sure why I stopped writing because it did help, but my motivation and concentration are none existent most of the time.
I am currently signed off work and taking a break from training. I think that writing again will give me something to focus on and will also help me to focus on myself.
I am not in a good place at the moment, even the slightest stressful event will send me to a really dark place. I feel worthless. I feel sad. I feel guilty about feeling that way. I need a way out and sometimes not being here seems like the only way.
I never do anything about it though. I do start to think about the people I love and my pets, who I love dearly. My thoughtful and caring side (a side of myself that I actually like) is in my head somewhere, but it is being tied down. But what can I do to release the knots?
I keep thinking about when I was most happiest and how to get back to that point. It’s hard to pinpoint a time when I was completely happy and carefree.
But I always think back to high school. I didn’t enjoy being at school, I was shy and didn’t have many friends. I was called names by people and then I came home where my sister would further knock me down. But with the couple of friends I did have, we went out a lot, made a good group of friends outside of school and I had fun.
I lost all of that when I was betrayed by my ‘childhood sweetheart’ and best friend.
Maybe that’s when all of this started? Maybe that’s when I lost all of my confidence and trust in people?
I was broken and I had no one but myself to put myself back together, not even my family seemed to notice how down I was at that point (which probably isn’t their fault, I didn’t tend to open up about things).
I wish I knew why I was such a closed book about my feelings. Maybe I wouldn’t be feeling the way I am now if I wasn’t.
But I have made some big steps recently. I have opened up to my partner, I have been to my GP, I have informed work and I have even opened up to my parents (not fully, but they know that I am suffering from depression now). They don’t seem like big steps, but they are to me.
A lot has happened between high school and now, maybe writing about everything and telling my story will help me to realise why I am the way I am.
But first, I suppose what I really need to realise and accept is that I am never going to be the person I was before.
But I am hoping that I will find a happiness with where my life is and who I am now and I hope that keeping this personal blog will help me to do that.